Humperdink and the hum-drum.

In desperate times, people do stupid things. Scotland fedexed the Lockerbie bomber to Lybia with a big shiny bow,  Whitney drowned in a pool of her own stupidity and the BBC chose an aging crooner to represent Britain in Eurovision.

The song “Love will set you free” is a complete success in terms of making Jedward look good. It’s actually weaker than Michelle McManus’s self control at a Krispy Kreme stand. If the song was a monster made up of transplanted parts, it would have the backbone of Nick Clegg, the credibility of Lesley Grantham and the perception of Heather MIlls in a field of landmines.

You know you’re really onto a loser when you know you could only make the song worse by having Ian Huntley and Josephs Koney and Fritzl on backing vocals in front of a giant video of 2 girls, 1 cup remade by Anne Widdecombe and Cherie Blair.

The obvious defence from the BBC is that, the young un’s aren’t bringing home the bacon and that we should try something different, which is a fair point, instead of playing nice and doing a jolly promotional tour of Europe we should be going kidnapping children and refusing to release the unless they vote for us.In all seriousness, that would be ridiculous, Russia would complain we’re copying their engagement strategy.

There is a new hope though. If he dies on stage, surely even the coldest of European hearts can’t be immune from a sympathy vote.  Let’s hope the excitement of it all will be too much for him?

Say No to Big Bro!

Knitting a scarf out of pubes, irrigating my colons with petrol and finding a movie in which Sarah Jessica Parker doesn’t look like a horse (which, by the way, doesn’t exist) are all things on my to do list that preceed watching another episode of  Big Brother!

Please, don’t accuse me of being a telly snob. I’m not. I was glued to the poverty porn that was The Scheme, I’m an avid fan of River City (we’re all allowed a guilty pleasure, this and fancying Morrisey, are mine)  and in my misguided youth I was even a journo on a Big Brother fansite.

In its heyday, in the early noughties, Big Brother was mandatory viewing, it was more than that it was an early social network. On Friday, you’d land on the couch and meet Davina and eagerly anticipate an eviction, once evicted the nation was whipped up into the pantomime qualities of the event, we’d cheer our heroes and boo the baddies. People would congregate in groups, party’s were arranged,  you could say it was appointment to view TV.  It became the first television institution of the 21st century.

However, like any pretty young thing, as it aged, its innocence was lost. No more was Big Brother quirky, unique and fresh but a battery farm for wannabes. By about series 4 or 5, the mood changed from what can I do for Big Brother to what can he do for me?  Year on year, the ratings suffered from a disinterested majority and last year Channel 4, did the only kind thing, and sentenced it to death for crimes against the thinking man.

Then porn tyant, and newspaper (if you can call the Daily Star a newspaper) tyoon, Richard Desmond came along and booted it over to Channel 5.  Initially heralding its entrance with Celebrity Big Brother, won by a man famous for living in a caravan, having unintelligible patter and a bit of a temper on him, now BB’s opened its doors to the housemates of 2011.

I only watched the launch show, but to be honest that was more than enough time to spot Channel 5’s agenda of turning the show into The Only Way is Essex on CCTV. Gone are the diverse mix of housemates from a plethora of diverse backgrounds, age ranges and interesting characters. Enter, a bunch of wannabe Quizcall presenters, burly lads with an IQ of a protien shake and the token black, the token toff and a guy with an “ambiguous” (clearly gay) sexuality. Even the show’s supposed “trump card” Pamela Anderson is a bit of a joke. Yes, former A-Lister from the 90’s but who is she today -a transparent nobody who makes a living by milking the memory of a red cleavage-packed swimsuit?

Big Brother could have revitalised itself and have served the nation a veritable smorgasboard of personalities, real people, not a bunch of plastic bimbos who are only there to end up in nuts magazine and shag third division footballers. This current lot are just an insult to the memory of the show that once was THE television show to watch.  Big Brother you should be evicted!